Reflections on a New Year
Well hello there friends, and welcome to my first blogpost of 2020. I can’t believe how quickly this month has gone already, yet at the same time New Year’s feels so very far away. I suppose I’m writing this blogpost as a little bit of an update on how I’m doing, how I’m feeling and what I’ve been up to over the last month or so. I’m also going to write a little about some lessons I’ll be taking into the New Year; things I hope will help me grow and develop in the coming year, and which may help you too.
So, where to begin… As you can maybe imagine, Christmas is a difficult season when you have lost loved ones in the year before. Family celebrations are filled with a sense of missing, and the feeling that you have to be joyful, grateful and content at Christmas simply feels like the hardest thing in the world. Because of that, I took the month slowly and surrounded myself with my beautiful family. I walked a lot, spent a lovely weekend on the North Yorkshire Moors with my family, did my first cold-water winter surf on the East Coast, and made some exciting plans to make a passion project something more… I also spent a lot of weekends at home, in the lovely little cottage Harvey and I now rent that feels too cosy to ever leave, and took some opportunities to watch the sunset on my new favourite local peak, Derwent Edge.
When the New Year came, we didn’t celebrate, but instead cosied up in a cottage on the Moor — my mum, sister, our partners and dogs. This is us now, this is my family. New Year came with sadness for what the year before had been for all of us, and pain to be moving into 2020 without my dad and Macky. The pain of knowing that life would never be the same, and that 2019 would be a year etched in my heart, soul, body and mind forever. Unfortunately, I have carried that pain into the New Year with me and have continued to struggle on throughout this past month. I have been feeling a mixture of emotions; grateful for a life I am building, hopeful for projects and plans — yet utterly overwhelmed at the same time. I am taking this time to write honestly and openly about my feelings this past month in the hope it might help moving forward, and just in case you might have been feeling the same way, for reasons of your own.
For the past couple years, I have written a blogpost reflecting on some of my favourite moments from the year before. It didn’t feel right to do that this year, and nor did it feel right to make any resolutions for the next one. That doesn’t mean to say I didn’t have moments of happiness in 2019 — of course I did. I would also say it was a year in which I grew (ahem… aged) a lot and set foundations for what I really want in life. But it was, of course, also a year in which I took some harsh emotional setbacks as repercussions of the loss experienced in March.
I found myself feeling a much greater fear in climbing, and though I had an amazing trip and learned so much on an Alpine Course in Chamonix, I also struggled a lot with the idea that death was so much more real now. I became less willing to take risks, and more content with comfort and familiarity. I tried and failed at a solo wild camp which, in hindsight, just allowed me to recognise that I wasn’t ready to spend 16 hours alone in a tent on a hillside, no matter how ‘ok’ I think I am in real life. I’ve also been feeling overwhelmed with projects at the moment, and with a pressure to be the best I can be in too many things and the feeling that I could and should always be doing more. This has left me energy-drained and disappointed in myself. I have a fear of falling, of failing, and of wasting opportunities all at once.
2019 was also a year in which I cared less about social media, but somehow saw my channels grow exponentially and somewhat overwhelmingly. I decided to create for me again, and you guys seem to like that more than anything… So I suppose, it was a year in which I discovered that just being me — raw, honest, open and unique — is ok.
This is something I wrote in an Instagram post on New Year’s Day that I want to share here;
2019 taught me patience, heartbreak, grief, pain, and to love with all of my heart 💙 I am not moving into 2020 with any big goals or resolutions; I am simply happy that I managed to stay afloat last year, and can only hope to do the same in the next. Goals are great, but it’s also worth reminding yourself to slow down and take time for yourself — especially when things become out of your own control. So instead, my advice would be to resolve to watch every sunrise, listen to rolling waves, camp on a hilltop when you need some fresh air, drink tea wrapped in blankets all day if you need to, read books that spark a fire inside, care passionately for something, anything, and don’t let others tell you how you ought to live your life. Those are my thoughts for the New Year anyhow ✨ May it bring you peace, happiness and love... 🙃
With those thoughts in mind, I have some reflections that I want to share from the end of the first month of a New Year and the most difficult year of my life; reflections that I will be carrying with me into the rest of this year with me…
LEARN FROM OTHERS
Something I have come to really appreciate is the learning you can receive from others. Last year, I did three courses that I found so valuable to my continued development in the outdoors — a Winter Walking course in the Cairngorms, an Alpine course in Chamonix, and a Trad Climbing course with our friend, Tim. I learned to develop my navigation skills, how to walk in crampons, how to set trad gear and the almighty power of the natural world. I learned from three amazing Mountain Guides who have years of experience in the outdoors. Following from that, I have been taking more time to listen and learn from others. Everyone has something so valuable to teach us; I think it’s so important to be open minded and willing to learn from our piers.
This year, I hope to complete my Mountain Leader Award and continue to learn how to be as safe and knowledgable as I can in the outdoors, as well as to develop my creative skills in film, photography and writing so I can share my adventures with you in the best way possible. I also want to be able to teach you guys some things I have picked up along the way, to make it easier for you to get outside too. Do let me know if there’s anything in particular you would like to see from me :)
Photos from a winter skills course in the cairngorms, Scotland — January 2019
CREATE FOR YOU
In a world in which everyone has an Instagram account, many also have a blog, and some a YouTube channel too (or be like me and have all three!), there is such a high volume of content available for our eyes to see. That’s why I think it is SO important to be authentic with your content; to be yourself and create for yourself. Don’t just post what you think people want to see, with a caption that isn’t really you, instead put yourself into your creative work and people will respect you so much more for that. Like many of us, I fell a little out of love with Instagram at the end of 2018 and put more time into writing on my blog instead. I then decided to create a YouTube channel to develop a new creative skill and share my adventures in a way I felt was raw and honest. As a result, I cared a little less about what I posted on Instagram and posted more naturally, less often, and with content that really meant something to me and words I felt were valuable.
I think the combination of all of this — of being able to show more of myself in my YouTube videos, to write more deeply on my blog, and to share more selectively on Instagram, gave me an authenticity that was appreciated. It gave me a confidence to be more myself, and meant I was joined by a lot more people on my outdoor adventures than I ever thought possible. So if you’re new here, thank you for joining! I’m so excited to share and create more this year.
TAKE IT SLOW
I have a tendency to feel like I have to do everything all at once sometimes. I remember a trip to the Isle of Arran earlier this year in which I decided it would be a good idea to attempt to film a YouTube video, curate a blogpost, create content for a pair of walking trousers for a brand, review a hotel and create my Ramble Guides guide to the Isle of Arran. By the end of the weekend, I was utterly burnt out, and everything I set out to do was done half-heartedly and not to my usual standards. I was disappointed. But what it taught me was simple — slow down.
We all only have a limited amount of energy that we can put into different projects, people and passions. Sometimes, you have to say no, and value your own wellbeing instead. Honestly, I find this really hard. I am so passionate about what I do, I often just can’t stop working (I say this as I’m writing a blogpost at 6.30pm with another few hours of work that will take me well into this wild Friday evening…). I find it hard to sacrifice things I’m really passionate about, but end up burnt out and exhausted instead — I unknowingly sacrifice my own mental health in favour of passions and projects. What I’m learning, is that life is about balance. You can’t and don’t have to do it all at once. And I think you’ll do a much better job at what you’re passionate about if you take more time for yourself, to reflect — switch your phone off, go for a long walk with a good friend, and come back to your work with a fresh head and a clear mind.
VALUE YOURSELF
My final point rounds up everything I have already said and is really so important. Value yourself, my dears. Whether that be in terms of your mental and physical health, your financial worth, or your time and energy. It is all of these things wrapped up in one big hug that I want to give you, and to say that you are worth so much more than you think. This is something that I believe many of us struggle with. Me? As mentioned already, I need to learn to slow down, to balance the energies I can give to the people and passions in my life, and to respect my value financially as a small business. The final point is the hardest of the three, because it requires others to value you too… But if you don’t value yourself, then where can this even begin? I’ll be working on all elements of valuing myself this year. And yes it will be hard, but in the long run I really hope (and believe), that believing that I am worth more to myself and to others will allow my continued development in business, health and life.
If you made it this far, thank you. I hope these lessons are something that may also help you this year to develop in both the outdoors and as a person. I also wanted to take a moment to show my appreciation and gratitude to everyone who has sent me a lovely message or email over the last year. I have been so overwhelmed with support, and it has been incredible to learn that my content — be it videos or blogs — has resonated with and helped so many of you. Thank you. I’d love any more feedback in the comments below on what you want to see in my videos, on the blog and anywhere else moving forward from me this year. I am more passionate than ever to keep sharing, learning and growing as an outdoorswoman and as a creative.
Happy New Year, friend.
Athena x
